Why My Mental Illness Prevents Me From Working Full-Time
I used to work full-time. During my first attempt at college I held three jobs, all part-time but that gave me full-time hours. When I lived in Hawaii, I held a full-time job at an insurance firm. But my time in Hawaii also marked the decline of my mental health, and also marked the last time I would work full-time.
In 2013 I began working part-time as a nanny for a family while I lived in Arkansas with my ex. I worked three days a week and that was still too much for my poorly medicated mental state. In 2014, when I moved back to Ohio, I tried to work full-time at a daycare center 10 hours per day. It was too much, so I called off often and went home early several times. I quit my job at the daycare to move home and have Josie, and though I tried to work during my pregnancy, I couldn't, due to a pregnancy induced low blood pressure condition. After Josie was born, my mental state was at its worst because of postpartum depression coupled with my other mental disorders, and I knew that, so I decided to start out working part-time. I took a job at a local gas station as a clerk, and was doing well, until I wasn't.
Had the postpartum depression not affected me in the way it did, I believe I could have held that job, and that I would still be working there. But I quit the gas station in September and was hospitalized for my postpartum depression in December. From then until now, I have been out of work. And because I haven't been able to work full-time and because I have been rarely able to hold a part-time job, I've been on government assistance since some time in 2012.
My mental illness prevents me from holding down a full-time job for several reasons. The most prominent being that I become easily overwhelmed with life's duties on top of working full-time. My anxiety, brought on by my mental disorders, makes it difficult for me to cope with multiple happenings at once. This includes going to work, managing Josie, managing my home, and also managing proper nutrition. I haven't been able to do all of those things at once, and so multiple parts of my life have suffered. For example, if I work full-time, my self-care and nutrition fail. I believe that if I worked full-time right now, my self-care, care for Josie, and school work would suffer. I haven't been able to figure out how to manage all of the parts of my life successfully at once, because my mental disorders cause me a level of anxiety that makes me easily overwhelmed.
Another reason my mental illness prevents me from working full-time is because of the depressive episodes it causes. During a depressive episode, I am basically non-functioning. Before Josie, depressive episodes would leave me in bed for days. Now that I have Josie, my depressive episodes leave me couch-bound, only getting up to fulfill Josie's basic needs. During a depressive episode, I don't eat and have no energy or motivation to care for myself, get things done, or go to work. This is why I've always called off so much in my jobs. Depression makes me feel physically sick; my stomach gets upset and I've been known to have really bad headaches. These physical symptoms brought on by a depressive episode have always caused me to call in sick multiple time in the duration of having a job, and because of this, I've received decreased pay and even have been written up and disciplined several times.
The reason my depressive episodes cause me to not be able to work full-time is because I haven't been properly treated for my mental disorders up until now. I haven't been on the right medications or dosages and haven't been actively learning coping skills for anxiety and depression. I've either been over medicated or not medicated enough, and haven't been in consistent therapy to learn how to cope during a depressive episode or anxious moment.
Because I wasn't able to hold down a job, I sought public assistance in 2012. I've had food stamps since then, and when I was pregnant with Josie, got Medicaid and signed up for WIC. When Josie was born, she was also put on Medicaid and was signed up for WIC. I also frequently visit the Salvation Army for help with food, toilet paper, toothpaste, diapers, etc. I used to be ashamed of being on welfare and having to visit a food pantry, but recently I've realized that those resources are there for people like me; people who are unable to work and who truly need help to live.
I have the opportunity to get Social Security because my bipolar disorder and the affect it has on my ability to work is considered a disability. I applied for Social Security a few months ago, but decided to withdraw my application because I was actively making progress and getting better. Instead of receiving Social Security, I decided I wanted to take baby steps toward being able to work full-time and wean myself off of government assistance. These baby steps include starting off working very part-time, working part-time, and then working full-time.
As most of you know, I've just started back at college full-time online. Making Josie, my mental health, and school my main three priorities, I decided to start working very part-time. I work two days a week, two hours each day, for a cleaning company, cleaning a bank. This job is optimal for me because it keeps me busy and leaves me no opportunity to be lost in my anxious thoughts. A few months back, I tried working at the local potato chip factory and quit because the work left me standing alone in a corner with little to do, and I would get anxious over all of my racing thoughts. When I am cleaning the bank, I am constantly moving, constantly doing something, and am constantly concentrating on what I am doing.
Next semester, I plan on picking up a few more hours, meaning, another cleaning account. The road to working full-time will be long and the journey will be slow, but because my mental health is one of my top priorities, I am OK with that. Working very part-time will give me the opportunity to focus on my mental health, physical nutrition, and school, along with parenting and keeping up with my surroundings.
If I were to work full-time right now just to get off of welfare, I would crash and burn. It is possible that I would end up in the hospital again, mess up my recovery, and have to quit that job anyway. Josie would suffer, I would probably quit school again, and every baby step I have taken thus far would be for nothing. That's why I am not ashamed to be on welfare. Using government assistance is allowing me to take care of myself and ensure that when I am ready to go back to work full-time, I am actually ready.
I won't need government assistance forever. The day is coming when I will be able to work somewhere with health care benefits and no longer need Medicaid. The day is coming when I can call Job and Family Services and tell them that I no longer need food stamps. The day is coming when I will be able to supply Josie with all the food she needs, and I will be able to call the WIC office and take her off of their service. That day may not be close, but that is OK, because at least I am working toward it.
My mental illness prevents me from working full-time, but it doesn't prevent me from working hard toward being able to work full-time. My mental illness doesn't prevent me from taking baby steps toward my goal of no longer needing government assistance.
I am not ashamed for not being able to work full-time, and I am not ashamed for being on welfare. No stereotype can make me feel ashamed, and nothing anyone can say can make me feel ashamed for my current situation. I am doing what is best for myself and my daughter, and am managing my mental health in the best way I can.
