I Actually Ate Today

I don't have an eating disorder, but I definitely have an unhealthy relationship with food. It doesn't help that there is a possibility that one of my medications takes away my appetite.

Most days, I either have no appetite and don't eat, feel bad about myself and don't eat, or would rather sleep instead of eat. But, today was different. I ate three, healthy meals and took a portion of my daily vitamins (I forgot my lunchtime vitamins).

I felt bad about myself and felt bad about eating, but I tried to remind myself that I was making healthy choices, and so I didn't feel so bad about eating.

My mom constantly reminds me that my body and mind both need me to eat to function properly, and so that's what I tried to channel today as ate my three, healthy meals.

I deal with a pretty high level of fatigue because of my mental health medications, and so when I don't eat, my energy level is zero. But today, I had a test to take for school and wanted to skip a nap to get some things done around the house, so I ate breakfast.

I ended up taking a shorter nap than usual, took my test, and cleaned up the kitchen. My energy lasted throughout the day and I even had enough energy and motivation to cook and clean up dinner, do some homework, and clean up the living room.

I'm not sure when I started to feel bad about myself when eating. I know that it's silly and irrational, but I seriously feel tremendous guilt whenever I eat anything, healthy or not. I immediately wish I wouldn't have eaten whatever I had just put into my mouth, and have often thought about making myself throw up to feel better. But I haven't, and I won't, because I am actively trying to improve my relationship with food.

My disdain for eating has mostly stemmed from my disdain for my weight. A few months back, I had convinced myself that if I didn't eat, I would lose weight. My mom corrected me by telling me that my body would actually hold onto fat stores in the event I would starve myself, and I would probably actually gain weight instead of achieving my goal of losing it. Sure enough, she was right, and I gained more weight than I had when I was eating regularly.

The biggest challenge for me is choosing healthy meal options and not snacking. I snack when I am bored, stressed, or depressed, so I essentially want to snack all the time. I also have a crazy sweet tooth, and usually keep some kind of treat on hand at all times. What I am going to try to do now is eat large enough meals that I am not hungry enough to snack, and only treat myself to a sweet every once in a while, whether it be only after dinner, once a week, etc.

I have goals for improving my relationship with food, but I also need to set goals for how to improve my self-image and self-esteem. These goals include adding exercise to my daily routine, practicing self-care every day, and repeating positive affirmations to myself whenever I feel down on myself.

I have a long way to go. Eating three meals a day will probably continue to be an accomplishment for me until I do it out of habit; until my body gets used to it and until I get the medication ironed out that lessens my appetite. I've got a long way to go, but it starts with baby steps, and today, I actually ate.