Why I Am Grateful For My Medications
A few weeks ago, I visited to my psychiatrist and he told me that we are going to be doing a "medication overhaul", which means we are going to be changed my medications. It wouldn't make sense to change them all at once, as we are trying to figure out which medications are causing my intense feelings of fatigue, so we are changing one medication every two weeks. So far, we have only increased one, and I am extremely happy with the results. This medication change has resulted in a more elevated and stable mood, and my depression has gone away after being present in my life for over three months. My level of fatigue still hasn't changed, though, and I battle to keep my eyes open all day, every day. I see my psychiatrist again this week for another medication adjustment, and am excited for what the results will be in the following two weeks.
This "medication overhaul" got me thinking about what my mental state would be like were I not to be on any of these medications at all. First, I will tell you that I take five different medications to manage my mental disorders. One for anxiety, one for sleep, one antidepressant, and two mood stabilizers. I strongly believe that I am over medicated, and as most of these medications cause drowsiness as a side effect, that is why I am so tired all of the time. So, I was thinking, "What if I didn't take any of these medications?". And the answer is simple. I would be unstable.
I have taken myself off of my medications several times without my doctor's approval, and the result has always been the same. I was mentally unstable, either hypomanic or depressed all the time, experienced high levels of anxiety and unpredictable mood swings, and acted impulsively. My relationships took a hit when I was off of my medication, and even before I was diagnosed and medicated at all. Why would I want that again? Why would I want to go off of my medications and be mentally unstable?
For me, being mentally unstable means low self-esteem, depression, impulsitivity, no motivation, no self-care, and suicidal thoughts. To avoid all of that, I take my medications as prescribed. My medications aren't the only component to keeping me mentally stable, though. I also have to eat properly and exercise regularly (which I have been struggling with), and I also have to use the coping mechanisms I have learned. But my medications are the foundation for my mental stability, and I am grateful that just a few pills can keep my mood from plummeting, can keep my thoughts in check, and can help me get adequate sleep and keep my anxiety level low.
I am not ashamed to need medication in order to maintain mental stability. There is such an awful stigma attached to those of us who need medication, especially those of us who are also mothers. Needing medication is seen as a weakness, and gives people more of an opportunity to deem us "crazy". But the stigma doesn't touch me, I am not ashamed, and I am not weak for needing medication.
I welcome my appointments with my psychiatrist to change my medications further, and I look forward to what these medication changes will do to improve my mood. Most importantly, I am excited to stop feeling so fatigued all the time. I am looking forward to my appointment next week, where I am pretty sure we will be eliminating one of the mood stabilizers I am taking. I am hopeful that eliminating this medication will decrease my fatigue.
In the meantime, I am going to work on the other components that contribute to my mental stability; eating well and exercising regularly. Medication can't do all of the work, and I know that. I need to put in the time and the effort to maintain my mental stability. It's not an excuse, but the main reason I've not been exercising like I should is because of the high level of fatigue I feel upon waking up each morning. As my medications change and my fatigue lessens, I am hopeful that exercising will be easier for me.
Also in the meantime, I am going to enjoy finally feeling less depressed, and I have my medication to thank for that.
