Today, I Learned I Crack Under Pressure
This evening, I thought I had one task. Go to the store.
That task turned into taking my Grandma to the store with me.
That task turned into going to four stores and Burger King.
I had a time limit. My dad was only to have the baby from 5:30pm-7:00pm, which I thought was all I needed to get my shopping done.
I had quite a list, as I am throwing a baby shower tomorrow and had to purchase the party supplies and food this evening. But I thought I could knock that list out in no time and be home well before the baby would arrive.
It was 7:05pm and I was still in the checkout line at WalMart. I had already been to two other stores, and had one more and Burger King to go, as well as dropping my Grandma off at her apartment.
I texted my dad and let him know, and he was fine, said the baby was fine, and not to rush.
Then it was 7:32 and I still had to stop at Burger King and take my grandma home.
Then it was 7:45 as I pulled out of my grandma's parking lot, having to take a detour home due to construction.
I had to eat and put groceries away as quickly as possible because my dad texted me and said the baby was fading fast.
I scarfed down my food and threw the groceries in the fridge, took my medicine, and they pulled up.
The process of getting the baby in the house and put to bed took less than ten minutes, and now I am sitting at the computer, feeling like I am about to lose it.
Nothing went the way it was supposed to this evening. I was not on time, and that bothers me more than I realized it would.
I'm shaky, sweaty, can't catch my breath and am suddenly extremely tired. I realize that when met with a deadline, and then failing to meet that deadline, I become frantic, and I didn't know that about myself.
My anxiety is at an extreme high right now, and not just because of the events of this evening. Suddenly, all of today's incomplete tasks and tomorrow's impending tasks are swimming through my mind when I should be winding down for bed.
I didn't get the litter boxes clean, I didn't wash dishes, I didn't finish laundry, I have to make cupcakes, I have to clean the litter boxes, I have to finish laundry. It all seems like way too much right now, and I am trying to keep myself from hyperventilating.
I am moments away from cocooning myself in my blankets in bed and closing my eyes. But I am also moments away from having a hard time falling asleep because of my racing thoughts and anxiety.
Realistically, I know I won't complete all of tomorrow's tasks. There just aren't enough hours in the day. But I know I will complete some of them, and if I were thinking rationally right now, that thought would comfort me.
But right now I am frantic, I am worried, I am anxious, and I am not thinking rationally.
I'm about to crack under the pressure. I'm about to lose it over everything I have to do, over everything I am responsible for.
I only hope that I am able to fall asleep before I crack, and that I am able to wake up ready to take on tomorrow's challenges.
