OK, Now I'm Starting To Freak Out
The middle and end of this month means a lot of changes for baby Josephine and I. First, we are moving into our own apartment at the end of the month. This will be my first time on my own since September of 2014, when I lived in Columbus. I will be my first time ever living as just Josephine and myself. Essentially, we do live on our own during the day while my mom is at work, so I don't see it being too drastically different for Josie except for in the evenings.
Another great change in my life begins August 22, when I begin classes for college. I am majoring in Business Management Technology and will be taking four classes, twelve credit hours, completely online from home. This will be the first time I've enrolled in college since my mental illness took me out of my freshman year at a private university six years ago.
Something else I am considering right now is getting a part time job two or three days per week to have extra money. I want to live comfortably with Josephine, and not live off of the government completely. I want to be independent of all government assistance, because though it has been a huge help in keeping us afloat, I am still ashamed of having to use assistance.
It's a lot to take on all at once. Moving out, school, possibly a job, all while being a single mother and maintaining stable mental health. I have no doubt that I can succeed at all of this, but because of some of the opinions brought to my attention by some of the members of my family, I am beginning to doubt myself.
I realize it is a lot to take on all at the same time. But other women have done it successfully, so why can't I? I was so sure that I would be able to handle an independent lifestyle and all that comes with it, but now, I am starting to freak out.
What if I can't keep my mental health in check? That will affect every other aspect of my life; school, the possibility of work, being a mother, etc. If I can't maintain stability, every other part of my life will crumble, and I will end up back in my mom's house completely dependent on her help as I recover.
That question and thought enters my mind every day, but I now quickly shut it down. I tell myself that I am getting a handle on my mental health through medication adjustments and starting therapy, and that as long as I cope effectively through the bad days, I can remain stable. It will be a lot of work, but my mental health is the foundation for the rest of my life, so I am willing to work as hard as possible to keep myself mentally healthy.
It has always been important to me to be able to stay home with Josephine because I am the only parent she has, and because I don't want to miss out on any part of her life as she grows. I realize now that that may be unrealistic, as I can't work to provide for her if I stay home with her all the time. I justify working by telling myself that when I get home to Josie after work, our time together will be sweeter and more special because we missed each other.
Josie will be going to daycare for a few hours a day, a few days a week while I work on schoolwork. I used to be completely against her going to any sort of daycare because I literally trust no one with my child, but my mind has changed. She needs to be around other children her age and needs to socialize, so I will have to try to trust the daycare provider and trust that she will take care of my baby while I am doing schoolwork.
I'm freaking out over the whole thing, every change that will be made this month. I'm freaking out, but I am also excited. Change is good, and the changes I am making in my life will not only benefit me, but benefit my daughter, and that is what is most important to me. She is my first priority, as is her health and happiness.
As I write this, I am freaking out less. Writing this out has helped me realize that I am fully capable of living an independent lifestyle away from my parents, and that I am fully capable of maintaining mental stability. I am fully capable of being a mother without help, and am fully capable of providing for my daughter so that she can live comfortably.
I realize that I may have to accept public assistance awhile longer. This hurts my pride, but until I get completely stable on my feet, may be necessary. I'm trying not to be ashamed of needing help.
I'm not freaking out as much now. I am starting to regain my confidence of being able to succeed on my own, while in school, while possibly working and while being a mother.
I ask for positive thoughts and prayers for my upcoming changes, and thank each of you sincerely for them.
