Why I Can't Take My Own Advice

Aug 8, 2016
2 min read

I've written more than seventy stories for The Mighty, and a great number of those stories have contained advice about how to cope with depression. I use lists to describe how I usually cope, and those lists say things like: 1. Practice self-care 2. Eat well 3. Journal 4. Take a walk etc. But in the three months that I've been in this particular depressive episode, I haven't used any of the coping skills I've written about, that have helped other people cope with their depression. So, if I talk the talk, why can't I walk the walk? The answer is actually quite simple. The depression I am experiencing currently is not because of my mood, which would be easier to cope with, it is because my medication has stopped working, which I can't cope with on my own. There is a point where the body becomes immune or tolerant to certain medications, and that is what has happened to me. It has happened in the past, when I was under the care of a different doctor, and when it did, he simply increased the dose and I was fine. But my current doctor hasn't been able to get me in for three months, and so I've had to wait on that adjustment. My current state of depression is not because I lack the coping skills needed to combat it. I have the coping skills, and have put them to work several times to no avail. They aren't working because it's not my mood that is being affected, it is the chemistry in my brain. Sadly, I do not have the ability to write myself a script, so there is nothing I can do until I see my doctor this Wednesday. I've tried following my own advice, and it hasn't worked. It hasn't worked because it's not coping mechanisms that I need, it's a tweak in my medication. How do I know this? I know. I know what it is like to experience a depressive episode that is truly only affecting my mood. I know how to cope with that type of depression, and I know what it feels like. This depression, this mental prison, does not feel like the usual depressive episodes I find myself in. I feel it to my core, in my body as it hurts, and in my mood and emotional stability. I know that the solution is a medication tweak because I have been on my current medication for over six months, which is the general period in which the body becomes tolerant. I will not apologize for my current state. Like I said, there is nothing I can do about it without the help of my doctor. I will not apologize for what I do or do not get done around the house, because I am literally doing the best that I can. All I can do is my best until I see my doctor, so for the next to days, I will do my best to defeat my depression on my own