Last Night, I Was Suicidal

Aug 8, 2016
4 min read

One thing I've promised myself is to always be open and honest with my readers. That includes being open and honest about the very best times, and the very worst times of my mental health journey. Last night was one of the worst times I've experienced in quite awhile, as I fantasized about taking my own life. The events leading up to these thoughts were not the cause, but were a trigger. Last night contained too many triggers for me to deal with, as I was already mentally exhausted. I've been exhausted for nearly three months, because that is how long I have been in this depressive episode. Last night, my mind was too tired and too distressed to handle any triggers, and so my mind immediately told me to give up. As soon as the thoughts started coming, I knew I needed to send the baby elsewhere. I knew that her slightest fuss or protest could make me feel worse, and I did not want her feel that my distress was her fault. I sent her to her grandpa's, and by doing so, I did the right thing. I did not abandon her. I did what was best for both of us during my time of crisis. I knew I needed to solely focus on myself for the next few hours in order to erase the thoughts that were darkening my mind. My daughter at her grandpa's, I took my anxiety medication and laid down. The only way I know how to get rid of suicidal thoughts is to sleep them away. There are other ways to cope with being suicidal, but I was at a loss for what those were. I slept for two hours, and woke up no longer suicidal, but still struggling. I woke up and didn't have the urge to take my life, but I did have the urge to self harm. I still haven't figured out how to cope with an urge like this, as I haven't experienced it for over two years. Instead of doing what I felt like doing; cutting; I kept myself busy and just kept saying my daughter's name in my head. She and her name bring me comfort, and remind me that if I ever did hurt myself, my daughter would be affected. Today, I am not fighting the urge to self-harm. It's still in the back of my mind today, but is not strong enough for me to fight it. Today, I prayed constantly and kept myself busy, and again repeated my daughter's name and snuggled her often. I am proud of myself for getting rid of my suicidal thoughts, even though I had to sleep to do it. I am proud of myself for not giving into the urge to self-harm, and I do not feel ashamed for having those thoughts. Having those thoughts and urges are part of my mental disorders, which I am not in complete control of right now due to not being medicated properly. At first, I felt bad for sending my daughter away for the afternoon. I felt like I was abandoning her and like I was being selfish. But then I talked with a good friend who corrected me and reminded me that we all need a break sometimes, especially when we are experiencing a mental crisis. And that's where I was; in crisis, and my daughter didn't need to be around for that. This is the first time since my last hospitalization that I've felt suicidal, and the first time in over two years that I've felt the urge to self-harm. That may seem like too often for some of you, but because of how my mental disorders affect me, I am proud that I do not experience these thoughts any more often than that. If I weren't on any medication, if I didn't know how to cope at all, I would experience these thoughts and urges all the time. I would be completely unstable, and would probably be back in the hospital. But because I coped the best way I could last night, I am better today, and I am not in the hospital. Today I am still struggling, but I am not struggling with bad thoughts or urges. Today I am focused on my daughter, and I am focused on coping in the ways I know how; journaling, writing, handwriting letters, resting, and coloring. Coping in these ways made very little time for me to complete household tasks today, but I accept that, because after a night like last night, I needed to focus only on coping today. I am looking forward to my first doctor's appointment in three months on Wednesday, because my medication will finally be adjusted and in two weeks time, I should be out of this depressive episode and back to normal. I long to feel normal, and long to not feel the way that depression makes me feel. Last night, I was suicidal. But I coped the best I could, and today, I am living.