My Mental Health Journey: Part Three, My Symptoms & Their Affect On My Relationships
I'm currently awaiting the day I see my new doctor and my new therapist, and am awaiting the opportunity to assess my diagnosis. I believe that I do not have bipolar I, and that I do have bipolar II and borderline personality disorder. I also believe that I am over-medicated, and have been for over six months.
I have a lot of questions about my borderline personality disorder and how it has affected my life for the past six years, especially how its symptoms have affected my relationships.
My relationships have always been unstable and unhealthy, particularly my romantic relationships. None of my romantic relationships have lasted more than a few months, except for one.
This relationship was with a marine that was stationed in Hawaii while I lived there in 2012 and the beginning of 2013. We met through a mutual friend, and began our relationship in secret. Our relationship was only physical at first, due to my hypersexuality and impulsive behavior.
I didn't know at the time, but when I met this man, I was in a continuous state of hypomania, experiencing very few "downs".
My hypomania caused me to move into the Marine barracks with him, and to leave Hawaii to be with him in Arkansas, only after knowing him for a few months.
Our relationship lasted for a little over one year, when it ended badly. My behavior during our relationship was too much for my partner to handle, and so, he ultimately ended the relationship.
When I say 'behavior', I am referring to the depressive episode I was experiencing for the last six months of our relationship.
I wasn't going to therapy or taking any medication, as I had impulsively taken myself off of them all while I was in Hawaii. I wasn't managing my illness or its symptoms, so I was consumed by the depression, and that displeased my partner.
I stopped taking care of myself and our home. I let myself go, called into work frequently, and avoided social situations, including social encounters with my partner's family. This bothered him and his family, and they deemed me 'rude' and 'antisocial'.
What bothered my partner the most, and what I am still ashamed of, is how I gained weight due to my depression making me immobile most of the time. He sat me down and declared his upset with my weight, and I plunged even deeper into that depressive episode. From that September night on, our relationship was doomed because he called me out on my weight, and because I was too depressed to care about anything.
After this relationship ended and I again started over at home in Ohio, I began to question how much my mental disorders actually affected my romantic relationships. I realized that all of my relationships ended because of my behavior and my partners being "freaked out" about that behavior.
I was frequently called 'crazy' when my relationships would end, and I resent that, but I do understand it.
My behavior was erratic, irrational, and misplaced, and this drove away my past partners and caused them to believe that I was 'crazy'.
I believed I was 'crazy', too, for the longest time. Until recently, actually, when I accepted that my mental disorders affect my ability to have healthy and stable relationships.
The first thing I am going to tackle with my new therapist is how to gain and maintain healthy relationships, because my interpersonal relationships with family and friends have been affected by my symptoms, too, and I do not want that to continue.
I want to be able to have healthy relationships while I manage my illness and its symptoms. I don't want my mental disorders to control that part of my life anymore, so I will work diligently in therapy to uncover the skills I need to gain control of my relationships.
