My Decision To Be Celibate Because Of My Mental Illness
Today marks two years that I've had any sort of encounter with a man; social, emotional, or physical.
My last encounter with a man was with a stranger I had met online.
We met for drinks at a bar and then went back to his house where we engaged in activities that I'm not proud of. He took me home the next day and never called again.
This encounter occurred during a hypomanic episode. I was impulsive, hypersexual, and my judgement was impaired. Had I been stable, I believe that I wouldn't have even met this man at a bar in the first place.
Since this encounter, I became pregnant and gave birth to my daughter after 37 weeks of pregnancy. I was celibate during my entire pregnancy, and continued to be after my daughter was born.
I had several opportunities to break my celibacy, but I didn't because I literally had no interest. Once I realized that my interest was gone, whether it was due to my medication or my illness, I realized that I had no need for a physical relationship with a man, and I decided to remain celibate.
I realize my decision is not a popular one, and that it is looked down upon by many people my age. But I am proud of my decision because it has given me the opportunity to focus solely on myself, my growth, and managing my illnesses.
I've chosen to be celibate because of the symptom of hypersexuality when I experience hypomania.
A hypomanic episode can happen at any time and with little warning, and I do not want it to happen when I am on a date or meeting with an old friend.
Hypomania clouds my judgement and makes me do things that I usually would not do, including having unsafe sex with strangers.
To avoid this risky and impulsive behavior, I abstain from sex all together, and am healthier for it.
My mental illness isn't the only reason why I avoid sexual encounters. I am celibate because I am not married, and because I am not prepared to have another child. Though I didn't believe it before, I do believe that sex should be saved for marriage or deep and lifelong commitment with another person. I believe sex should only occur when both people are ready for a child.
These didn't use to be my beliefs. I used to be careless with my body and my morals, and didn't give a second thought to whether or not I could become pregnant. But since my daughter was conceived, I realize that the chance of that happening is high, even if all precautions are taken.
I am in no way pushing my views and beliefs onto any of you, and will not judge you if you aren't abstinent. These are simply my reasons for decided to remain celibate for the past two years, and are the reasons why I will continue to remain so until I decide the time is right.
