My Diagnosis
For most of my young adult life, I've wondered about my mental stability. I wondered until I was first hospitalized in 2010, and given my first diagnosis; bipolar I disorder.
Bipolar I disorder is the most severe type of bipolar disorder, and is characterized by at least one manic episode. A manic episode is a period of abnormally elevated mood and high energy, accompanied by abnormal behavior that disrupts life. Bipolar I is also characterized by periods of depression, called 'depressive episodes'.
The symptoms of bipolar I disorder include rapid speech, being over ambitious, hyperactivity, inflated self-esteem, hypersexuality, and decreased need for sleep.
I always thought this diagnosis was correct, because I have had periods of being over ambitious and overzealous, have spent money impulsively, and have had periods where I felt like I didn't need to sleep. However, I have not experienced a manic episode, which is characterized by a period of at least four or more days of no sleep. This makes me doubt my diagnosis, as I believe the diagnosis of bipolar II disorder may be correct for me.
Bipolar II disorder is a less severe form of bipolar disorder, which is characterized by depressive and hypomanic episodes. The biggest difference between bipolars I & II, and the biggest reason I disagree with my bipolar I diagnosis, is the presence of hypomania.
Hypomania is different from mania, but it does have the same symptoms. What's important to note is that the symptoms of hypomania don't interfere with working or socializing, and that I don't engage in dangerous or risky behavior as often as I would if I experienced mania.
I experience hypomanic episodes quite often, and always experience a depressive episode afterward. But, I quite enjoy hypomania, as it increases my energy to get things done, and because I am ambitious enough to make realistic goals for myself and my future. I believe this is my correct diagnosis, and I believe I am being over-medicated for the wrong reasons.
When I was hospitalized for the second time in 2010, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD), but this is the only time in my mental health journey that BPD has been brought to my attention.
BPD is a mental disorder characterized by instability in moods, behavior, and relationships. Its symptoms include antisocial behavior, compulsive behavior, hostility, impulsivity, irritability, risky behavior, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, social isolation, or lack of restraint. I also experience the symptoms of anxiety, trouble sleeping, depression, and poor self-esteem.
These symptoms and the symptoms of either bipolar diagnosis are so similar that they are often misdiagnosed as one for the other. I believe it is possible that I do not have bipolar disorder at all, and that all of the symptoms I experience come from my BPD.
In December of 2015, I was hospitalized for wanting to harm myself and the fear I had that I would possibly harm my daughter because I couldn't control my rage. I was then diagnosed with postpartum depression (PPD) which, simply put, is depression that a mother experiences after childbirth due to hormonal changes, lack of sleep, and adjusting to being a new mother.
Symptoms of PPD include anger, anxiety, guilt, loss of appetite, irritability, weight gain, and excessive sadness and crying. I was the poster child for PPD, and began receiving treatment in the hospital that I am still being compliant with now, though I believe I am over-medicated.
Unlike in the past, I have a handle on my mental disorders. I have learned how to cope with their symptoms, and take my medication every day. I have attended therapy, and will again in just a few weeks time.
It's important to me that I know my diagnosis are for sure, which is why I will question my bipolar diagnosis when I see my new doctor.
It's hard living with mental illness, especially because of the stigma that is attached to it. I used to be afraid of opening up and telling people, especially romantic interests, about my mental disorders. But now, I realize that sharing my story will make it possible for me to do my part in ending the stigma of mental illness. I am now open and honest about each of my mental disorders, and more importantly, am honest about how I effectively live with them.
I consider myself a mental health advocate now, and advocate for mental illness through my writing.
